Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.