Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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Noted.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them