Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”