@JediGigi

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

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@iwearaonesie

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

@merewillis

My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.

#LastLaugh

@smerobin

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

@mrmakethings

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

@flashember

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@3sunzzz

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

@lmegordon

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

@WheelTod

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@GrandadJFreeman

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…