Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.