@geowizzacist

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

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@egg_dog

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

@iamjeffsloan

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@WildeThingy

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

@kingsleyyy

Conservatives after a mass shooting: “You can’t take our guns!”

Conservatives after a police shooting: “But he had a gun!”

I’m confused.

@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@SimbaShaz

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

@TankCesar

Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.