The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Excruciating cashier small talk; brought to you by chip card readers.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
This could be us