Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
my first dose meeting my second
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?