Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room


I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”


Conservatives after a mass shooting: “You can’t take our guns!”

Conservatives after a police shooting: “But he had a gun!”

I’m confused.


Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.


Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.


Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g


Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.