Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
due date
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir