Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.