waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.