Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.