Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

My daily affirmation

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

it must be school picture day

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle