She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard