waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

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Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy


me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff


Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.


RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is


women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there


Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment


i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way


My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.


Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!


Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*