@mister_blank

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

@TweetPotato314

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

@mynameisntdave

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

@tarashoe

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

@KimMonte10

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@NapVeg

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

@Xoolun

My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.

@heyitsJudeD

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

@eff_yeah_steph

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*