@mister_blank

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

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@Try2StopME

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

@LostFelicia

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

@Shen_the_Bird

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

@jordan_stratton

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

@tchrquotes

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

@CodyJP9412

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

@NotGaryBusey

I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.

@Boba_Photo

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.

@NicestHippo

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard