Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me