Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.