Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”