Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

A friend sent me this.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO