waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Bike for sale
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Unimpressed
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.