waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
are there any atheist mantises?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.