Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.