waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.