waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
selfie game
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.