Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.