waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
#Caturday
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: