waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.