Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I see your IQ test came back negative

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.