waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.