Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.