Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Need WebMD

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters