Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.