Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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the three branches of government
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.