Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.