Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
You Might Also Like
Bread puns are on the rise!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
step 6: release the wall snake
