Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon