Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

79.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

incredible

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.