waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?