Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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Winnipeg!!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I forgot how to panic. Help
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.