Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

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