Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
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“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
man: wait
time: no
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’m not sorry.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Have a lovely day 😊
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry