waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
#NeverForget
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*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol