waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Happy Friday
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Worth a try
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…