waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Eating for two.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
😂😂😂
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Order here:
More here:
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn