waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]