Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.