waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.