Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

DOOO EEEET

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]