Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

OMG 🤣🤣

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.