Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon