Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.