Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one