Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

You Might Also Like


Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk


I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.


When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend


[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.


Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he’ll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.


*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear


This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.


[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.


Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.