@CrockettForReal

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

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@thedad

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

@RunJeffreyRun

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

@joeljeffrey

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

@Playing_Dad

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

@GoldenSpirals

Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he’ll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.

@TheAlexNevil

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

@GrowlyGrego

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

@CulturedRuffian

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.