Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.