Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.