Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
So many pants.
So little yoga.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.