waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Scream sneezers need love too.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Love this one 😂🧟
