waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.