Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.