Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Sign at work today
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Put a ring on it
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet