Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Banking tips

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

only 11 steps left

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.