Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”