waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
imagine getting destroyed like this
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?