Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?