waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The future is now.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!