waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.