waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
😭😭
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.