Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

shampoo implies shampee

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.