waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.