Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.