Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

plant them where lol

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

weddings should have a worst man

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

same bro