Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Had to try this trend 😊

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.