Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
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Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I like long walks away from everyone
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
much to think about
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I feel it