@thedad

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

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@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

@causticbob

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

@thatUPSdude

If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@drayzze

I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.

@thejessbess

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

@primawesome

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*