Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER