Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
#FunnyLife Insects
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady