Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.