Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

can’t bark with your mouth full

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

look scared

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

See..?

.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.