Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter