waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.